I don’t need constant romance or a perfect gentlemen so that’s great for the next girl to feel that way, too. If her perspective is so great then go that way because I’m the only person who has been through what I’ve been through. No one knows the pain I have gone through and no one can know.
If you want to get on the topic of what I want: I want to feel wanted. I want to feel safe. I want to feel beautiful and good enough. After a while of being second best, you never feel the same again. That is when you have to put yourself first. No one can give you the feeling you can give yourself. I don’t want to have to worry about whether the person I’m with is looking for prospective new people or constantly thinking about sex with everyone, but me. I devote myself to the person I’m with fully and whole heartedly, but you can only be dragged down in the dirt so much before your heart says no more.
I want to feel like I’m interesting and I’m fun because I am. I am weird. I am a loser. I laugh too much. I make too many corny jokes. I like stupid things. I eat like a pig. I curse like a sailor. I’m ditzy and then I am really smart the next moment. I focus on even dumber things. I talk a lot. I am loud. I am boring at times, lazy, and insecure at times. I am so much more and I want someone who accepts that. Who understands me even a little bit and when they don’t, they try. They fucking try. Because that’s what a relationship should be, fifty fucking fifty. I don’t want 30%. I want fifty fucking percent. I want to be happy. I want to make someone happy. In order to be happy I need to feel reciprocation. I may not like or agree with what the person does. I may not be interested in every thing they like, but I will try to show a little interest. I will try to see the beauty they see in whatever they like. Once that is not reciprocated, I shut down. I fucking shut down because the person will shut down on me. Why should I have to care about everything you like and everything you want and everything you need when you don’t give a shit about my needs or wants? That is not a fucking relationship. I give my whole self, my everything for a person that I love. All I ask for is the same thing I’m giving.
This post would go on forever if I got into any more details. Just know I have these needs and if you can’t understand. Leave. Spare me the bullshit. Find a girl who fits you. I am broken. I am fucking broken because my heart is in shreds and I’m slowly trying to put it back together. I need to love myself. This isn’t about another person or other people. This is about me. I need to love myself. I can’t do that if I feel like shit or like I can’t live. I can’t do it if I’m confused and constantly stressed. I miss the girl I used to be. I was so, so fucking happy and of course at times I was sad, but I was happy and I knew myself enough to know when enough is enough. I want to be that girl again. I’m sorry if I want to love myself. I’m sorry if I finally feel like I deserve to give myself what I want.
